And there it goes down the drain. Four months of anticipation spent by reading my entries over and over, sending them to people I know, believing I would nail it; four months of waiting, then that’s it.
Just this morning, I read from one of my former professors that the list of the winners for the 2011 Don Carlos Palanca Memorial Awards for Literature was unofficially out. I immediately messaged him to ask where do we see the list, he replied that the foundation does not release the list before the awarding ceremony so I tried to look for some hints whether a contender wins or not. This is the statement i read, also from the same professor’s wall page in Facebook.
“i kept worrying that the secretariat made a mistake in sending out the congratulatory letters. it was only when i saw my name in the program that i let go of the fear. haha. have a fun time tonight! take lots and lots of pictures. :)”
The message was for his friend who won. apparently, a winner should receive a congratulatory email to winners. I didn’t receive any. And there it goes down the sink. I lost the first time I joined the competition.
As of the moment, i want to convince myself that it’s alright to lose; but i know it is not –which makes me sadder. The large slab of Toblerone a friend gave me isn’t helping. I hate it that i am a sour loser, as if i am the best writer in the world. to cheer myself, i think of the usual, “there’s still next year,” or “at least i tried.” it barely helped. the only consolation is that i know i have people around me who still believe i have pure talent.
No, i will not let the feeling of losing from a prestigious competition devour my spirit. i am a writer; losing is subtle, i have seen worse.