This much

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Very early this morning I rummaged through my old files to look for my [lost] Social Security number, I acidentally found this. It is one of the many notes I wrote after I graduated. The note wasn’t dated, but I know I wrote this on the last weeks of March, 2012 at McDonald’s Katipunan while waiting for a friend to come over. 

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This is the full view of the note. That’s me, hiding from the camera because my hair is in shambles.

The note goes this way,

“So after I graduate from college, what now? What are the things that await me from the real world? It’s funny to realize that I’m pondering about these things just now, when in fact I was supposed to part of the labor force two years ago. Is this a version of quarter-life crisis? Well, if it were, I’d be disappointed with myself. My friends and supposed-to-be-batchmates had gone a long way already–some are finishing their Master’s degrees, some are working their asses out, some are now taking Medicine or Law. Where do I position myself here? Well, to be exact, I’ll be one among those who are currently sending their resumes to different companies and institutions. I’m currently looking for a place to live in because exactly one month from now, I’ll get kicked out from my precious UP dormitory. I’m currently wondering and pondering about things that could have been or might become. I call this [phenomenon] to myself as the ‘bum with hope.’ Yes, this is bum, and first blood to be exact. But for the record, I’m not letting myself drown in this murky quicksand. No, not in this circumstance. I don’t think I’ll let myself, my mentors, my family down. It would be unlikely for me to be that way. So, in the middle of this bumming and philosophizing about the littlest to the crucial things, I guess I’ll allow myself to let things be. I’m still breathing and conscious, anyway.”

It’s already August, 2012. It’s only five months after I’ve written this piece of drama yet some of my questions are already answered for me. Some of the answers I received are not pleasant; they’re not the answers I’m actually waiting for. But I won’t say that I’m not satisfied with what I do now, because there are a thousand reasons I could give why I am not leaving this place I’m living in and this profession I’m fulfilling.

After five months, I am proud to announce that I am still grappling with the twists of reality. Because of reasons everyone will totally understand, I am still close to broke. No savings, no anything. But the good news is, now that I got a real job, I quit praying for God to create more dumb children for me to tutor. I already sent a brother to college.

It’s still very early for me to say these things. In fact, I should not be writing this. But boy, am I proud.

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